The Broken Compass...

An excerpt from my short story, "The Broken Compass":

"You're just like them. All of them. The only thing you want from me is money." He was raising his voice higher and higher. "In fact, why don't you marry my credit card? Please, save your excuses, I've heard them all." He turned around, clutching his fists in anger. In a few steps he reached the front door, but just as his hand touched the handle, her voice made him freeze in midair.

"You don't get it, do you? All you see is a girl that's in a relationship with you just for your platinum. You don't even see the real deal." The coldness in her tone made him shiver. "I don't give a fuck about your money. Actually, I hate the fact that you even have them. All I want is one thing. All I need is one thing." He turned around impatiently. Was this a confession of love? The mechanic shimmer in her eyes surprised and scared him even more than her words.

"All I want from you is one thing." She repeated slowly. "All I need from you is to be there when I call, come to my apartment, ring my doorbell, tear my clothes off when I open the door, throw me on the bed, have your way with me, kiss me goodnight, and leave before I can say anything. How can I put it more simple?" She slowly walked to the counter and lifted the glass of whiskey to her lips. Her blank gaze lingered for a second on the ticking clock. His hand was frozen on the door handle, his words were drowned in his throat.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" She chuckled. "You men are pathetic. Nothing satisfies you. You're not happy when a woman loves you and just wants to be with you. You think she is being clingy and annoying. You're not happy when a woman wants to see you only from time to time. You think she doesn't care about you enough. You're not happy when a woman only wants your money and fame. You think she is a golddigger who will leave you for the next richer guy than you. You're not happy when a woman uses you just for sex. You think she is a whore, a slut, and not good enough for you, you feel unmanned. Then, tell me, what the fuck do you want from us?"

Screaming the last few words, she couldn't contain her anger. The empty glass flew across the room. The crash was deafening, the red carpet was now covered with small glass pieces and melting ice. "Get out!" Her tone was once again flat but still trembling from the anger. He couldn't make his hand move. How did she do that? How did she shift from one extreme to the other and back in just a matter of seconds?

Suddenly, she started walking toward him. She stopped just a few centimeters away from him, her body almost pressed against his, then slowly placed her hand on his. He knew it! She couldn't let him go. Just as he was leaning towards her for a kiss, she pushed his hand down and quickly pulled away from him. The door flung open. "In case you forgot how doors function. Now move." She pressed her back against the opposite wall, crossed her hands in front of her chest, and looked at him expectantly. He knew that it was time for him to leave.

P.S. This story is still in the works. However, I decided to post this passage, since some recent events reminded me how weird human beings can be. I hope you enjoy it. :)

Under The Influence...

I have this weird little habit. I should probably say addiction, since I can no longer exist without it. A habit is just something that you like to do. In this case I need to. I have my own personal drug, without which I cannot even go to sleep at night. It started many years ago, since I am a natural-born insomniac. I usually coped with it by sleeping late during weekends, but after I changed my school in eight grade, free weekends became too scarse and my insomnia became worse and worse.

I spent so many nights looking for a solution, for a cure. I went to bed early, got up early, tried drinking warm tea, warm milk, I tried warm showers, counting sheep, I tried to drive myself to complete exhaustion. Nothing worked. And then, I found my cure. My discovery turned into a habit, my habit turned into a need, my need turned into an obsession. Now, there isn't a single night when I go to sleep without two headphones in my ears, and my favorite tunes gently rushing through them and right into my head.

However, recently, something very strange started happening. I don't know if it is because of the constant music in my ears or I'm just losing my mind, but I don't dream anymore. Not in the normal way anyhow. Now, I dream stories! And not just any random stories with random images and random feelings. No, these are very specific dreams, with people that are important to me, in stories that make too much sense. Now, every time I wake up I have to think for five minutes and convince myself that none of it was real.

And, unlike normal dreams, I always remember these. Not constantly, but every song magically reminds me of a story that never happened. Now, I feel like I live a completely different life every single night. You might think that this is awesome, but I'm starting to feel like a lunatic, or to be more specific - schizophreniac. So, I write his post as a warning to you. Since I have to find a way to bring myself back to reality, I have these "writer's impulses".

If you come to my blog and see a random post with what appears to be a diary entry, where the pronouns "he", "she", and "I" are used instead of names, and the story is without an introduction or an ending, beware - my mind has probably thrown me into a reality crisis for a moment. I'm going to finish this post with a song that won my heart just a couple of hours ago. It's Bulgarian, but the chorus goes as follows: "Now I am a sound in your ears, the emotion in your heart, little drops of tears in your eyes. I am the smile, and I will be the sorrow, with the song that is touching your soul."

P.S. Since I am not a person who believes in consequences, but in the theory of destiny and that there is a reason for everything that happens, I find it very peculiar that every song I find seems to mirror my emotions at the moment. This song, which perfectly describes my instable state of mind I found, by randomly browsing Buglarian rap songs in a random site, just because I had nothing better to do. Weird, much? No, probably I'm the weird one...

Moment Of Hope...

Today was one of the most nerve-wrecking days of my life. As you all know, I'm a die-hard England National Football Team fan. And, as such, I was in shock when I heard they were playing the World and European Champions, Spain. Well, before I start talking about the game, I have some facts to say first.

All in all, Spain has no place in my heart, despite being a football "miracle". First, I do not believe that they were better than Germany in the final of Euro 2008. Second, their attitude after the game was disgusting. They were mocking the German players, who we all know are the better side by far (Unfortunately!), they were making fun of the German jerseys, and overall their behavior, considering their extremely lucky win, was completely unprofessional.

I'm not even going to comment extensively on World Cup 2010, where Spain couldn't score more than ONE goal per game, and most of them were lucky shots, or a bad desicion by the referee. I don't know if the games were rigged or not but Spain was definitely not the best team in South Africa. If I have to be honest, Germany, Uruguay, Holland... All of these teams proved to be far better than Spain. For me, the Spanish win was either an accident, or a well-thought set up.

Anyway, back to today's game. I am speechless. I have never seen England so organized, so passionate, so determined, and full of spirit. Capello definitely deserves his congratulations, because England had one of the most brilliant defences I have ever seen in football. It was just unbelievable to see how the entire game was played just a couple of meters away from their goal, yet only three shots from Spain managed to actually go near it, and none at all scored.

It is true, however, that England was very poor in the forward action and in the possession of the ball, but I can see why was that so. They knew very well that Spain will use every single chance to blast the net. They knew that every failed try for an attack could lead to potential counter. Yet, they did it. By creating one single situation, the England captain, Frank Lampard managed to create what was to become the winning score of 1-0. Some might say that this is too close a score to mean something more than pure luck, but I don't think so.

Let's think about a few things. First, Spain threw every possible high-profile player on the pitch. Every single asset that Spain posseses had a chance in that game. Yet, none of them managed to pass through the English penalty zone. On the other hand, England played without some very important players like Steven Gerrard, John Terry, and Wayne Rooney. However, the young, inexperienced players managed to keep it together, with the help of only a couple of senior players, mainly Lampard, Ashley Cole, and Glen Johnson. Standing ovations, please.

Overall, amazng game. Of course, now, I have to consider professional treatment for my wrecked nerves, but I have to say - England, you outdid yourself. Bravo! Never have I contemplated the chance of a win tonight. I thought that a draw could be the best result. Yet, they proved me wrong. Now, we have hope. And hope can always give strength and confidence - something that England desperately needs after the fiasco in the World Cup. I know it's just a friendly game, but the passion they showed in a match that didn't matter can only be a symbol of what force they can be when the win can be crucial.

I have to admit, my hands were shaking after the game. I adore this team, and to see it achieve a victory over what is considered the best team in the world is a happiness that cannot be compared. I know that it's just a friendly match, but still... England, you were brilliant! Keep working and I truly believe we have the chance in next year's Euro 2012. I know you can win it.

Music Is Religion...

Have you ever experienced the feeling where you hear a song for the very first time, and with the first few sounds you suddenly know that this song belongs to you? You cannot stop playing it again, and again, and again, and you never get tired of it. Soon, it becomes a connection to a certain dream, or memory, or desire. And you can never let it go. This song becomes a permanent piece of your personality?

I love that feeling. I love finding new songs that remind me of things that have not happened yet, or have happened in my dreams, or I have completely forgotten about. I love the thrill I get when I hear such a song. Music is my religion. Music is my saviour. Music is my guardian angel. Music is my world. And in the name of music, I will post my music Bible. Maybe, you will find your song somewhere in this list. If not, you can just enjoy some good music. Let's start!

1. Celebrate The Day - Herbert Grönemeyer.
The song where it all began for me. My ultimate passion - football. I love this song as much as I love the game. The moment I heard it, i knew that this game is meant for me.
"The world in a heartbeat... When you dream..."

2. Where Do We Draw The Line - Poets Of The Fall.
Amazing band. Beautiful lyrics. Perfect music. What else can you want from a song? I don't know why I love this one, but it sure moves me every time I hear the first notes.
"What does it matter what I see... If it cannot be my design..."

3. Sleep - Poets Of The Fall.
This song always leaves me speechless. Full of feelings, full of beauty, full of truth...
"Day after day, fickle visions... Messing with your head... Fickle... Vicious... Sleeping in your bed... Messing with your head... Fickle visions... Fickle... Vicious..."

4. Mad About You - Hooverphonic.
I love the passion in the lyrics and the music, and it always reminds me of my favorite TV show.
"Feel the vibe, feel the terror, feel the pain. It's driving me insane..."

5. Carnival of Rust - Poets of the Fall.

Once again, my favorite band. The moment I heard that song, I fell in love. I can easily call it my ultimate favorite. There isn't a single person I know that does not love it in a second.

"Come, feed the rain, 'cause I'm thirsty for your love, dancing underneath the skies of lust..."

6. Counting Bodies Like Sheep - A Perfect Circle.
This one just screams "animalistic". Perfect for bringing our the primal nature of people. I also love how it goes with the video. Be warned, there is too much blood, violence, and sexappeal in it.
"Go back to sleep... Safe from pain, and truth, and choice, and other poison devils..."

7. Take It All Away - Red.
I already posted this in a previous entry, but it should have one of the biggest places here, since this song is one of my first "true loves". I will never get tired of hearing it over and over again.
"You've stripped me now... It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain..."

8. Eternity and a Day - Paul Haslinger.

One of the most beautiful pieces, from one of my favorite films, Underworld. It's so pure, simple, yet gentle and really touching. It's simply heaven in a few minutes.

9. Sweet Dreams - Emily Browning.
One of the best versions of this song. I cannot help but get goosebumps every time I hear it. It gives a brand new mood to the well-known song. It definitely brings "eeire" and "sinister" in.
"Some of them wat to abuse you... Some of them want to be abused..."

10. Hurricane - 30 Seconds to Mars.
One of the strongest songs and videos I have ever seen. I just realized that half of my favorite songs are related to sleeping and dreams. Interesting, but I am definitely not surprised. Love it.
"Tell me would you kill to save a life... Tell me would you kill to prove you're right..."

11. This Night - Black Lab.
Ever since I heard this song on House M.D. I cannot stop listening to it. It is currently the most listened song on my iTunes. I just adore the lyrics, and the darkness of the music itself.
"Take this night... Wrap it around me like a sheet... Lay me down on the street..."

12. Wong Chia Chi's Theme - Alexandre Desplat.
One of my favorite composers, with one of his masterpieces. This is such a beautiful music that I cannot go by a day without listening to it at least one time. It's from Lust, Caution.

This concludes my list. They are not arranged in a descending or ascending order, I just picked them randomly. You can pretty much understand my personality from them. I hope you like my music, because I definitely love it. Enjoy.

My Dragon...

Гео Милев - Змей

(To all of my non-Bulgarian readers, this is one of the most passionate poems in Bulgarian literature. I'm sorry you're not able to read it.)

Мене ме, мамо, змей люби...

Остави ме!
- Змей Огнен е моят любовник!
Посред пламък и вихри гърмовни
- змейове с бели жребци,
в златни каляски змеици -
с развени
далече
крила
всяка вечер
той идва при мене.

Ела!

Притисни ме с безумни, свирепи ръце
до своята люспеста гръд от червени звезди,
до своето зверско сърце,
мокро в морава кръв:
вземи, изгори ме с пламтящата стръв
на свойте целувки -
грабни ме оттук ти,
отлети,
отнеси ме
- далече, далече, далече -
зад гори, планини, стръмни бездни и гробища,
в свойто царство без име
- о сън! о чудовище! -
дето няма ни ден, ни година, ни утро, ни вечер:
Там!
О знам:
Ти си Той!
Не отхвърляй едничката моя молба,
изпълни ми едничкото искане -
ах... стой! -
Подир знойна и страшна борба,
в безсъзнание, няма да знам -
и ще чезна - аз гола -
в скверната сладост на твойто притискане
- не, не, не! -
Аз падам надолу
- с мене ти -
летим
през огън и дим, и звезди,
зелени въртопи змии,
настръхнали копия,
- по невидими стръмни пътеки -
трясък и прах,
кисък и звън;
не, не, не! -

Ах!

- Пробуда:
камбанният звън.
В зората на местнест безлюдна
оплаквам връх своите меки
колене

чудовищния труп на моя сън.

Looking For Angels...

Today, after 48 hours of pure German torture, the last fuse in my brain blew up and I dived into the deepest and darkest oceans of YouTube to search for mysterious songs that I have never heard of. I didn't really care about a specific genre, I just leaped from one link to the next, and the next, then a search for a singer that suddenly came to my mind.

From Buglarian music, I jumped to videos of The Rock, then actor impressions, then to Bulgarian Rap, some Lionel Richie music, then some Lionel Messi, just because the name reminded me, then some Steven Gerrard, since I was already at the football shores, then Schweinsteiger, just because I am a German-masochist (meaning that I torture myself deliberately with anything Deutsch-related, most of the time German football). For my beloved German readers, don't get me wrong. I really like Germany, but due to some issues in my personal life (probably I'll post sometihng about them soon, since they are getting especially shitty lately) and a bad German teacher, Deutschland became a torture for me in the past four years.

Anyways, I was watching some Schweinsteiger video, when I saw another relatied clip and opened it. It was Revolverheld - Unzertrennlich. I don't know what was it about this song, but it suddenly reminded me about my very first childhood dream.

All my life, I have lived on the tenth floor of my building, in the outer suburbs of Sofia. All my life, I have seen the world from above. When I was five, I loved to sit there for hours, looking at the tiny people and small cars. Birds were flying around me, then even higher up. My balcony was far above the tops of the nearby trees, so I could always see the leaves tremble because of the mountain wind, coming from Vitosha.

My favorite part was, and still is, the thunderstorms. The mountain is right in front of my window. At night, you can see the lightnings tear up the sky in a flash, the thunders always sound so close and the alarms of cars always turn on. The rain is always strong and everything gets soaked in a matter of seconds. The air is always filled with electricity.

I have always loved the Moon, too. My grandmother has told me that this love started when I was a baby. I adore the full moon and always sit on my balcony for hours, just looking at it. And it's always there. Big and bright, covering every building with cold light. Maybe, this is why I love my window, and my floor.

So, back to the point. When I was five, I wanted to fly. I wanted to fly so badly, with the birds, with the wind, around the trees, to reach the moon... I wanted wings. I even wrote a letter to Santa, to bring me a pair. But they never came that Christmas... Soon, I realized that I would never be able to, and saddness filled my days. Soon after, I went on my very first plane ride, and my dream came true, in a way. But I never really learned how to fly. Not until recently.

Now, I have my wings. Not only that, but I have also three angels. You know who you are. After this long, and meaningless post, I just want to say that no matter what happens, I will always love you. Because: "Wir sind unzertrennlich, sind unvergänglich. Wir sind unzertrennlich, in unserer Welt verloren..." Jo, you will understand. Girls, I love you. You help me fly. Fly in my happiness, in my dreams, in the cold, late nights around Sofia, in the criminal sleepovers, in our silly conversations, in our esotheric conversations, in our serious conversations, even in our arguments. You are my angels. I love you.