Someone Like You...

Feeling bored, I decided to record myself singing one of my favorite songs. My camera does not work, so it's just a black screen and my voice. I hope you like it, and if you do, don't forget to like it on YouTube as well. ^.^

No Love Lost...

... No love found!

This time last year... I don't even remember what it was like... Things changed so much...

Some people believe that next year will be the last. That the world will end in December 2012. I am not one of them. I am also not one of the others that refuse to accept even a word about it.

Truth is, I don't care. If it is true, there is nothing I can do about it, except live the last few months at my best. If it's not true, then nothing will change, so I just need to keep on living.

As the last moments of 2011 pass more quickly then they should be, I realized that so many things happened this year. So many right and wrong choices, so many life-changing decisions, so many new people in my life, so many lost friends... Some of the most important moments...

• I turned eighteen in May and supposedly became an adult.
• I was never able to fully accept my mother's boyfriend.
• I went to my very first football game (Bulgaria - England).
• I saw my celebrity crush in real life (He is so gorgeous).
• I saw many of my football idols in real life (England).
• I spent two amazing weeks in England (London, Manchester).
• I got accepted into my dream university (Two of them).
• I improved my grades in school (Not by far, but still).
• I got over the hardest crush I ever had (After three years).
• I broke my relationship with my father (Nothing surprising).
• I never got over the fact that my father has another child.
• I lost one of my life-long friends, because of his girlfriend.
• I lost another friend, because he fell in love with me.
• I fucked up the chance to be with one great guy (Stupid me).
• I gave up from one dream and followed another (Fingers crossed).

All of this... I didn't realize so many things happened, until now. And I want 2012. Now!

Consequences:
I will be moving on the other side of this continent in about six months.
I will be studying something I never imagined myself doing before.
I will be meeting new people, have new friends, maybe I'll even fall in love.
I will be haunted with the thought: "Did I make the right choice?"

Result:
I will be building my life from scratch.

This is why I am spending this moment of remembrance for 2011, the key year in my life.

Welcome, New Year! Welcome, 2012! Welcome, new life! Welcome to the world, Lilly!

I'll be back one day...

Christmas Spirit...

This year, Christmas became something very important to me over the last couple of days.

Maybe I was hoping that for once in my life I would spend it normally with my family - silly me to think something like that might be remotely possible!

Maybe I was excited because of the amazing present that I got from Santa (a.k.a. Manchester City) - I have never felt as happy as when I opened my original Joe-Hart jersey!

Maybe I was grateful that I finally got some time off school, which has become an utter pain in the... yeah - then I remembered the piles of pointless homework to be done!

So what the hell was it? And then it hit me like a truck on a highway!

This was going to be my last Christmas in Bulgaria... With my family, with my friends... I realized that this time next year I will live in another country, with other people, and who knows... Of course, I will definitely come back for the holidays, but it's still not the same.

I won't be there when my mother decorates the Christmas tree one month in advance. I won't be there to buy the Christmas cookies and rejoyce every time I tell my family not to touch them before Christmas Eve, even though I have already eaten about a dozen. I won't be there to harrass my best friends for ideas for presents. I won't be there when the entire Sofia will be lit up in millions of Christmas lights. I won't be there... In my beautiful, crazy, little country...

And it scared me... It literally terrified me! That I won't be able to spend much time with my mother, that my father will completely ignore the fact that he has a daughter, that my friends will forget me, that I won't be able to have another Christmas with my grandmother...

This is why I had the best Christmas ever. True, my mother's boyfriend once again annoyed the shit out of me, I had to spend another holiday without my father, who was too busy with his new family to even remember to call me (not that I expected anything else).

But I was with my mother, with her amazing friends, with my grandmother. We had fun, and we ate delicious food, and listened to good music, and had some amazing presents, and I spent the night before with the three girls I love the most in this world, and Sofia was beautiful under the snow, and everything was perfect. Christmas was perfect.

So, I decided to share my "epiphany" with you. Do not forget to enjoy yourselves, take in every little detail, do not be scared to sound ridiculous, do not pay attention to the little things that try to kill your nerves, just have fun and love everyone that deserves it, because nothing in this life is permanent. Days come and go, people come and go, lives come and go... And we need to learn to get the best of them, while they are still here...

Merry Christmas, everyone, and a very happy New Year!

Save Me...

Isn't it ironic that there is one person in the whole wide world who is too busy saving others, when the one who needs him the most as a saviour is you... Save me...

The Broken Compass...

An excerpt from my short story, "The Broken Compass":

"You're just like them. All of them. The only thing you want from me is money." He was raising his voice higher and higher. "In fact, why don't you marry my credit card? Please, save your excuses, I've heard them all." He turned around, clutching his fists in anger. In a few steps he reached the front door, but just as his hand touched the handle, her voice made him freeze in midair.

"You don't get it, do you? All you see is a girl that's in a relationship with you just for your platinum. You don't even see the real deal." The coldness in her tone made him shiver. "I don't give a fuck about your money. Actually, I hate the fact that you even have them. All I want is one thing. All I need is one thing." He turned around impatiently. Was this a confession of love? The mechanic shimmer in her eyes surprised and scared him even more than her words.

"All I want from you is one thing." She repeated slowly. "All I need from you is to be there when I call, come to my apartment, ring my doorbell, tear my clothes off when I open the door, throw me on the bed, have your way with me, kiss me goodnight, and leave before I can say anything. How can I put it more simple?" She slowly walked to the counter and lifted the glass of whiskey to her lips. Her blank gaze lingered for a second on the ticking clock. His hand was frozen on the door handle, his words were drowned in his throat.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" She chuckled. "You men are pathetic. Nothing satisfies you. You're not happy when a woman loves you and just wants to be with you. You think she is being clingy and annoying. You're not happy when a woman wants to see you only from time to time. You think she doesn't care about you enough. You're not happy when a woman only wants your money and fame. You think she is a golddigger who will leave you for the next richer guy than you. You're not happy when a woman uses you just for sex. You think she is a whore, a slut, and not good enough for you, you feel unmanned. Then, tell me, what the fuck do you want from us?"

Screaming the last few words, she couldn't contain her anger. The empty glass flew across the room. The crash was deafening, the red carpet was now covered with small glass pieces and melting ice. "Get out!" Her tone was once again flat but still trembling from the anger. He couldn't make his hand move. How did she do that? How did she shift from one extreme to the other and back in just a matter of seconds?

Suddenly, she started walking toward him. She stopped just a few centimeters away from him, her body almost pressed against his, then slowly placed her hand on his. He knew it! She couldn't let him go. Just as he was leaning towards her for a kiss, she pushed his hand down and quickly pulled away from him. The door flung open. "In case you forgot how doors function. Now move." She pressed her back against the opposite wall, crossed her hands in front of her chest, and looked at him expectantly. He knew that it was time for him to leave.

P.S. This story is still in the works. However, I decided to post this passage, since some recent events reminded me how weird human beings can be. I hope you enjoy it. :)

Under The Influence...

I have this weird little habit. I should probably say addiction, since I can no longer exist without it. A habit is just something that you like to do. In this case I need to. I have my own personal drug, without which I cannot even go to sleep at night. It started many years ago, since I am a natural-born insomniac. I usually coped with it by sleeping late during weekends, but after I changed my school in eight grade, free weekends became too scarse and my insomnia became worse and worse.

I spent so many nights looking for a solution, for a cure. I went to bed early, got up early, tried drinking warm tea, warm milk, I tried warm showers, counting sheep, I tried to drive myself to complete exhaustion. Nothing worked. And then, I found my cure. My discovery turned into a habit, my habit turned into a need, my need turned into an obsession. Now, there isn't a single night when I go to sleep without two headphones in my ears, and my favorite tunes gently rushing through them and right into my head.

However, recently, something very strange started happening. I don't know if it is because of the constant music in my ears or I'm just losing my mind, but I don't dream anymore. Not in the normal way anyhow. Now, I dream stories! And not just any random stories with random images and random feelings. No, these are very specific dreams, with people that are important to me, in stories that make too much sense. Now, every time I wake up I have to think for five minutes and convince myself that none of it was real.

And, unlike normal dreams, I always remember these. Not constantly, but every song magically reminds me of a story that never happened. Now, I feel like I live a completely different life every single night. You might think that this is awesome, but I'm starting to feel like a lunatic, or to be more specific - schizophreniac. So, I write his post as a warning to you. Since I have to find a way to bring myself back to reality, I have these "writer's impulses".

If you come to my blog and see a random post with what appears to be a diary entry, where the pronouns "he", "she", and "I" are used instead of names, and the story is without an introduction or an ending, beware - my mind has probably thrown me into a reality crisis for a moment. I'm going to finish this post with a song that won my heart just a couple of hours ago. It's Bulgarian, but the chorus goes as follows: "Now I am a sound in your ears, the emotion in your heart, little drops of tears in your eyes. I am the smile, and I will be the sorrow, with the song that is touching your soul."

P.S. Since I am not a person who believes in consequences, but in the theory of destiny and that there is a reason for everything that happens, I find it very peculiar that every song I find seems to mirror my emotions at the moment. This song, which perfectly describes my instable state of mind I found, by randomly browsing Buglarian rap songs in a random site, just because I had nothing better to do. Weird, much? No, probably I'm the weird one...

Moment Of Hope...

Today was one of the most nerve-wrecking days of my life. As you all know, I'm a die-hard England National Football Team fan. And, as such, I was in shock when I heard they were playing the World and European Champions, Spain. Well, before I start talking about the game, I have some facts to say first.

All in all, Spain has no place in my heart, despite being a football "miracle". First, I do not believe that they were better than Germany in the final of Euro 2008. Second, their attitude after the game was disgusting. They were mocking the German players, who we all know are the better side by far (Unfortunately!), they were making fun of the German jerseys, and overall their behavior, considering their extremely lucky win, was completely unprofessional.

I'm not even going to comment extensively on World Cup 2010, where Spain couldn't score more than ONE goal per game, and most of them were lucky shots, or a bad desicion by the referee. I don't know if the games were rigged or not but Spain was definitely not the best team in South Africa. If I have to be honest, Germany, Uruguay, Holland... All of these teams proved to be far better than Spain. For me, the Spanish win was either an accident, or a well-thought set up.

Anyway, back to today's game. I am speechless. I have never seen England so organized, so passionate, so determined, and full of spirit. Capello definitely deserves his congratulations, because England had one of the most brilliant defences I have ever seen in football. It was just unbelievable to see how the entire game was played just a couple of meters away from their goal, yet only three shots from Spain managed to actually go near it, and none at all scored.

It is true, however, that England was very poor in the forward action and in the possession of the ball, but I can see why was that so. They knew very well that Spain will use every single chance to blast the net. They knew that every failed try for an attack could lead to potential counter. Yet, they did it. By creating one single situation, the England captain, Frank Lampard managed to create what was to become the winning score of 1-0. Some might say that this is too close a score to mean something more than pure luck, but I don't think so.

Let's think about a few things. First, Spain threw every possible high-profile player on the pitch. Every single asset that Spain posseses had a chance in that game. Yet, none of them managed to pass through the English penalty zone. On the other hand, England played without some very important players like Steven Gerrard, John Terry, and Wayne Rooney. However, the young, inexperienced players managed to keep it together, with the help of only a couple of senior players, mainly Lampard, Ashley Cole, and Glen Johnson. Standing ovations, please.

Overall, amazng game. Of course, now, I have to consider professional treatment for my wrecked nerves, but I have to say - England, you outdid yourself. Bravo! Never have I contemplated the chance of a win tonight. I thought that a draw could be the best result. Yet, they proved me wrong. Now, we have hope. And hope can always give strength and confidence - something that England desperately needs after the fiasco in the World Cup. I know it's just a friendly game, but the passion they showed in a match that didn't matter can only be a symbol of what force they can be when the win can be crucial.

I have to admit, my hands were shaking after the game. I adore this team, and to see it achieve a victory over what is considered the best team in the world is a happiness that cannot be compared. I know that it's just a friendly match, but still... England, you were brilliant! Keep working and I truly believe we have the chance in next year's Euro 2012. I know you can win it.

Music Is Religion...

Have you ever experienced the feeling where you hear a song for the very first time, and with the first few sounds you suddenly know that this song belongs to you? You cannot stop playing it again, and again, and again, and you never get tired of it. Soon, it becomes a connection to a certain dream, or memory, or desire. And you can never let it go. This song becomes a permanent piece of your personality?

I love that feeling. I love finding new songs that remind me of things that have not happened yet, or have happened in my dreams, or I have completely forgotten about. I love the thrill I get when I hear such a song. Music is my religion. Music is my saviour. Music is my guardian angel. Music is my world. And in the name of music, I will post my music Bible. Maybe, you will find your song somewhere in this list. If not, you can just enjoy some good music. Let's start!

1. Celebrate The Day - Herbert Grönemeyer.
The song where it all began for me. My ultimate passion - football. I love this song as much as I love the game. The moment I heard it, i knew that this game is meant for me.
"The world in a heartbeat... When you dream..."

2. Where Do We Draw The Line - Poets Of The Fall.
Amazing band. Beautiful lyrics. Perfect music. What else can you want from a song? I don't know why I love this one, but it sure moves me every time I hear the first notes.
"What does it matter what I see... If it cannot be my design..."

3. Sleep - Poets Of The Fall.
This song always leaves me speechless. Full of feelings, full of beauty, full of truth...
"Day after day, fickle visions... Messing with your head... Fickle... Vicious... Sleeping in your bed... Messing with your head... Fickle visions... Fickle... Vicious..."

4. Mad About You - Hooverphonic.
I love the passion in the lyrics and the music, and it always reminds me of my favorite TV show.
"Feel the vibe, feel the terror, feel the pain. It's driving me insane..."

5. Carnival of Rust - Poets of the Fall.

Once again, my favorite band. The moment I heard that song, I fell in love. I can easily call it my ultimate favorite. There isn't a single person I know that does not love it in a second.

"Come, feed the rain, 'cause I'm thirsty for your love, dancing underneath the skies of lust..."

6. Counting Bodies Like Sheep - A Perfect Circle.
This one just screams "animalistic". Perfect for bringing our the primal nature of people. I also love how it goes with the video. Be warned, there is too much blood, violence, and sexappeal in it.
"Go back to sleep... Safe from pain, and truth, and choice, and other poison devils..."

7. Take It All Away - Red.
I already posted this in a previous entry, but it should have one of the biggest places here, since this song is one of my first "true loves". I will never get tired of hearing it over and over again.
"You've stripped me now... It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain..."

8. Eternity and a Day - Paul Haslinger.

One of the most beautiful pieces, from one of my favorite films, Underworld. It's so pure, simple, yet gentle and really touching. It's simply heaven in a few minutes.

9. Sweet Dreams - Emily Browning.
One of the best versions of this song. I cannot help but get goosebumps every time I hear it. It gives a brand new mood to the well-known song. It definitely brings "eeire" and "sinister" in.
"Some of them wat to abuse you... Some of them want to be abused..."

10. Hurricane - 30 Seconds to Mars.
One of the strongest songs and videos I have ever seen. I just realized that half of my favorite songs are related to sleeping and dreams. Interesting, but I am definitely not surprised. Love it.
"Tell me would you kill to save a life... Tell me would you kill to prove you're right..."

11. This Night - Black Lab.
Ever since I heard this song on House M.D. I cannot stop listening to it. It is currently the most listened song on my iTunes. I just adore the lyrics, and the darkness of the music itself.
"Take this night... Wrap it around me like a sheet... Lay me down on the street..."

12. Wong Chia Chi's Theme - Alexandre Desplat.
One of my favorite composers, with one of his masterpieces. This is such a beautiful music that I cannot go by a day without listening to it at least one time. It's from Lust, Caution.

This concludes my list. They are not arranged in a descending or ascending order, I just picked them randomly. You can pretty much understand my personality from them. I hope you like my music, because I definitely love it. Enjoy.

My Dragon...

Гео Милев - Змей

(To all of my non-Bulgarian readers, this is one of the most passionate poems in Bulgarian literature. I'm sorry you're not able to read it.)

Мене ме, мамо, змей люби...

Остави ме!
- Змей Огнен е моят любовник!
Посред пламък и вихри гърмовни
- змейове с бели жребци,
в златни каляски змеици -
с развени
далече
крила
всяка вечер
той идва при мене.

Ела!

Притисни ме с безумни, свирепи ръце
до своята люспеста гръд от червени звезди,
до своето зверско сърце,
мокро в морава кръв:
вземи, изгори ме с пламтящата стръв
на свойте целувки -
грабни ме оттук ти,
отлети,
отнеси ме
- далече, далече, далече -
зад гори, планини, стръмни бездни и гробища,
в свойто царство без име
- о сън! о чудовище! -
дето няма ни ден, ни година, ни утро, ни вечер:
Там!
О знам:
Ти си Той!
Не отхвърляй едничката моя молба,
изпълни ми едничкото искане -
ах... стой! -
Подир знойна и страшна борба,
в безсъзнание, няма да знам -
и ще чезна - аз гола -
в скверната сладост на твойто притискане
- не, не, не! -
Аз падам надолу
- с мене ти -
летим
през огън и дим, и звезди,
зелени въртопи змии,
настръхнали копия,
- по невидими стръмни пътеки -
трясък и прах,
кисък и звън;
не, не, не! -

Ах!

- Пробуда:
камбанният звън.
В зората на местнест безлюдна
оплаквам връх своите меки
колене

чудовищния труп на моя сън.

Looking For Angels...

Today, after 48 hours of pure German torture, the last fuse in my brain blew up and I dived into the deepest and darkest oceans of YouTube to search for mysterious songs that I have never heard of. I didn't really care about a specific genre, I just leaped from one link to the next, and the next, then a search for a singer that suddenly came to my mind.

From Buglarian music, I jumped to videos of The Rock, then actor impressions, then to Bulgarian Rap, some Lionel Richie music, then some Lionel Messi, just because the name reminded me, then some Steven Gerrard, since I was already at the football shores, then Schweinsteiger, just because I am a German-masochist (meaning that I torture myself deliberately with anything Deutsch-related, most of the time German football). For my beloved German readers, don't get me wrong. I really like Germany, but due to some issues in my personal life (probably I'll post sometihng about them soon, since they are getting especially shitty lately) and a bad German teacher, Deutschland became a torture for me in the past four years.

Anyways, I was watching some Schweinsteiger video, when I saw another relatied clip and opened it. It was Revolverheld - Unzertrennlich. I don't know what was it about this song, but it suddenly reminded me about my very first childhood dream.

All my life, I have lived on the tenth floor of my building, in the outer suburbs of Sofia. All my life, I have seen the world from above. When I was five, I loved to sit there for hours, looking at the tiny people and small cars. Birds were flying around me, then even higher up. My balcony was far above the tops of the nearby trees, so I could always see the leaves tremble because of the mountain wind, coming from Vitosha.

My favorite part was, and still is, the thunderstorms. The mountain is right in front of my window. At night, you can see the lightnings tear up the sky in a flash, the thunders always sound so close and the alarms of cars always turn on. The rain is always strong and everything gets soaked in a matter of seconds. The air is always filled with electricity.

I have always loved the Moon, too. My grandmother has told me that this love started when I was a baby. I adore the full moon and always sit on my balcony for hours, just looking at it. And it's always there. Big and bright, covering every building with cold light. Maybe, this is why I love my window, and my floor.

So, back to the point. When I was five, I wanted to fly. I wanted to fly so badly, with the birds, with the wind, around the trees, to reach the moon... I wanted wings. I even wrote a letter to Santa, to bring me a pair. But they never came that Christmas... Soon, I realized that I would never be able to, and saddness filled my days. Soon after, I went on my very first plane ride, and my dream came true, in a way. But I never really learned how to fly. Not until recently.

Now, I have my wings. Not only that, but I have also three angels. You know who you are. After this long, and meaningless post, I just want to say that no matter what happens, I will always love you. Because: "Wir sind unzertrennlich, sind unvergänglich. Wir sind unzertrennlich, in unserer Welt verloren..." Jo, you will understand. Girls, I love you. You help me fly. Fly in my happiness, in my dreams, in the cold, late nights around Sofia, in the criminal sleepovers, in our silly conversations, in our esotheric conversations, in our serious conversations, even in our arguments. You are my angels. I love you.

A Letter To Love...

Dear Love,

Wow... I wrote the first line and completely froze. This is weird. I have so much to ask you, so much to tell you... Yet, I cannot write. I don't know how to start. Let's see... I haven't seen you in a while. You must have some other things to do, other important matters to attend to. But, since it's been so long, I decided to write. Maybe you'll answer me. So... What can I tell you...

I am well, I guess. Nothing really changed for me, but, you know, if you came by, maybe we could go out, or just talk... Or just sit there and stare at the stars, together, like we used to. We could just sit there, look at the full moon, and pretend it could grant us one wish. We would talk to it for hours, because it was the only one who could understand us. And we knew that it would grant us that insane wish, sooner or later.

I remember when we sat there, on my bed, covered in a thick blanket, drinking warm strawberry tea, while the snow was covering everything outside. The entire room smelled like strawberries. And cookies, and chocolate, and apples. Maybe there was some cinnamon, too, I don't remember. We were alone, and you were the only one who saw my true face. My mask was lying on the floor, and you were looking straight into my eyes. My true eyes...

I think we were watching something, but it was a long time ago. It was a movie. A beautiful romance. I was crying, but you were just laughing. Maybe it was a comedy, I don't remember. It was December, when you left. How could I forget? You told me you were coming back soon, but you didn't. I saw you a few times, or at least I thought so, but when I walked up to you, it turned out it was someone else. I miss you. I find you in everything now. I hope you come back soon.

It's not like I have no idea where you are. I see your work all over the world now. You're famous. There are movies about you, songs and books, too. Maybe that's what makes it so hard to forget you. I see at least one of your masterpieces every day. But you never gave me one of them, maybe you're still working on mine, I don't know... Do you even remember me?

I had a dream about you last night. I have had a lot of dreams about you recently. Now, all I want to do is sleep. It seems I can only feel when I am not awake. It is so clear when it's not real. The slight tingling in the stomach. The tight grip of the heart. The unbearable difficulty to breathe. The neverending smile on my face. The need to get over it. The desire to keep it forever. Yet, the moment I open my eyes, the sensation is gone, the magic is gone, you're gone...

I miss you. Shortly after you left, I met your friend, Crush. She is nice, we went out a couple of times, but she is not you. She is just too... Shallow. Always thinks about the next person she has to meet. I can't get her to sit still even for an hour. Every day, she introduced me to different people, I even lost their count. I wish you would come back. You're just so... Permanent. Was permanent. I don't know you anymore.

Huh, that feels weird. Writing these words, I realized... You have changed. You are not what you used to be. I am not what I used to be. I don't see the world as I used to, and you can't give me what I used to want. Do you even know what I want now? You used to know me so well, yet... you left me. Everything is just a "used to be". You come, give, and then take it all away.

You know what... Don't come back. You cannot make me happy. You're like a season. Spring. You come, make people feel satisfied and special, then you leave and everything slowly fades away, dies out and falls to the ground only to be crushed by people's feet. Or isn't that just your point? You give. You take. I don't know. It's been so long... I don't remember... I need to know. I need you to come back. I don't know... I don't remember...

I want to scream, yet I have no voice. You will not hear me. I'm writing, but no one will read. I'm crying, but no one will come. They know, they see, but they stay away. They don't know me. I am alone, and you are everywhere around me. Why don't you come back to me? I don't know what to say. I never knew. I never will. You took it. You took it all away. Or did I give it up... I don't remember...

I miss you...

Yours truly,
Heart.

FL - Steven Gerrard...

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the One, the Only... Steven Gerrard, a.k.a. Stevie G., a.k.a. Captain Fantastic, a.k.a. the best friggin' player in the world! And these are not even my words. They are Zinedine Zidane's. And I completely agree. For me, this is the greatest midfielder in England and out of it. Capello, don't even think about going against Spain on November 11th without Gerrard. He's not only the brain and the driving force, he is also the soul for every team he plays for.

Before even starting to talk about skills, which he has in abundance, I have to say that this player has the most amazing behavior and attitude anyone can have. He clearly shows that he is in love with the game, and completely dedicated to his one and only team, Liverpool.

This is the man that will sit among the crowd, while his team is playing and he is injured. This is the man that will kiss his club's motto before every game. This is the man that will shake hands and congratulate every single member of the team he's playing against, no matter if he wins or loses. This is the man that will always be there for every team mate. He stands for what I think of as the soul of the game and the team.

But words are just segments. The truth lies in the facts. First of all, I have to point out that his very first international goal was against Germany (Take that, Bastian!), during the World cup 2002 Qualifications. He opened the crucial result for Liverpool during the Champions League Final in 2005 against A.C. Milan. You can say that the free-kick goal is now his notorious trade mark. He's taken part in Euro 2000 and Euro 2004, as well as World Cup 2006 and World Cup 2010, the latter as a captain. He is also the captain of Liverpool, bearing the nickname of captain Fantastic! (I wasn't joking in the first sentence).

All that said, it would be pointless to list all the awards and nominations he has ever received. I will only say one last congratulations to him. This Saturday, Liverpool played against Manchester United. The very first goal, that formed the draw between the two teams was Gerrard's. Not only that, it was his first 2011/12 season league goal after more than six months off the field due to an injury. Welcome back, Gerrard, and let's hope we see more of that at Anfield and on international grounds.

By the way, a quick off-topic. I just saw that he is the exact same height as Bastian Schweinsteiger, a football player that I consider to be the next Gerrard. And the weirdness continues. Gerrard is number 8 in Liverpool, and Schweini is number 7 in Germany National Team. Coincidence much?

Steven Gerrard's soundtrack song (the music representing the power of his skill):

And I just have to say this (*innocent looking face*). But seriously, if you think that I like footballers, because I think they're hot, you're wrong. I think they're hot, if they play good!:

And since he deserves far more than one clip, I present to you, the Football God:

And the purest Gerrard skill:

Gerrard forever!!! The true English legend.

FL - Schweinsteiger...

Bastian. Schweinsteiger. Schweinsteiger, Bastian. Bastian Schweinsteiger. No matter how many times I write this name, I get the mixed desire to kiss my screen and then throw it out the tenth floor of my building. Yes, this is the one player that I unconditionally, indeniably, indefinitely want to hate-f**k.

Let me tell you, this guy has definitely caught my attention. Usually, the situation goes as follows. I am watching some football game, either Bayern Munchen or the German National Team. Suddenly, I see this player that's running with the ball, and the only thing I can do is sit and watch and admire the way he dribbles and shoots and scores... And the moment the ball hits the net, I remember that this is MY team's goal, and the words: "Schweinsteiger, you flawless son of a...", escape my mouth.

Seriously, he is good. He is so damn good. I watch Germany only because of him (and my mother's crazy, obsessed boyfriend, but that's not the point). For some unknown reason, he has been on my mind this entire week, so he snatches the well-deserved first post from my new series. You may think: "But he's just a player, not a legend." Well, let me tell you something. This is my friggin' blog, so I decide who is the legend here? Got that? OK!

Yesterday, I was on the verge of killing myself, when I realized that Bastian and me had a story. Oh, yeah, a long juicy story, which made me question my sanity for the last 24 hours. Those few of you who know me, might remember that I am a die-hard England National Team fan. And when Germany' lousy, cheating ass got England kicked out the World Cup 2010, I swore never to show any affection towards a German player, no matter if he is a damn football GOD!

So, you can imagine my utter surprise (and following desperation) when I found a small entry in a diary of mine that I wrote the summer of 2006. "Dear Diary," it said, "I just watched the World Cup game between Germany and Portugal. Germany won, but a few days ago, they lost from Italy. I was so sad. Germany is the best team all time. They even have this player, who is just amazing, but I don't know his name. When I find out, I'll tell you. Until then, I'm starting to watch football forever."

I swear none of the contents have been altered in any way, even the poor grammar. My mind was crushed. Not only I supported Germany, but it was also the reason why I started watching football! Seriously? Already feeling as a traitor, I decided to hunt down the son of a bitch that was responcible for this. And after hours of research on the team, I found him...

Bastian. Schweinsteiger. Number 7. Well, God DAMN! Why? Why? WHY? The guy who made my life a living hell in World Cup 2010. Seriously why is life so unfair. I never knew why 7 was my favorite number, but one thing I know is that I liked it because of the amazing anonymous football player from 2006. How the fuck am I supposed to know that it was Bastian friggin' Schweinsteiger!!! Ok, after my life is officially over...

I have to say that he really is a teriffic player. And he is very good-looking too. If my religion allowed it, he would be one of my favorite players in the world. But due to sacred restrictions, I can only dedicate to him the first post of this epic football saga. So, Schweini, das ist für dich, meine geheime Liebe! Ich werde dich vergessen... Ich hoffe. Ah, Scheisse!!!

Bastian Schweinsteiger's Soundtrack (speaks for itself):

After careful consideration, I want to add a second song for his soundtrack (there is no hidden message, trust me... or is there?):

And now, let's admire some pure soccer skills (unfortunately for Man City):

P.S. Please, God of Football, please, forgive me!

Football Legends...

This is just a quick post to introduce my brand new series of present football legends. I feel too inspired around all the games from the English Premier Leagie, Carling Cup, Champions League and Euro 2012 Qualifications. Since football is in my blood, I decided to start a small blog series about all the football players I admire. I will not be sorting them by teams, achievements, or age, just the order, in which they occur to me.

If any other die-hard football fans are reading this, comment below or write me an e-mail which are your favorites and maybe they will get their own spot in my brand new collection of football awesomeness.

So, as a starter, ladies and gentlemen(maybe the second is more appropriate), I present to you the best FIFA World Cup Song ever written: Germany 2006 - Celebrate the Day. The first world cup I ever watched, and it pains me to admit that I was in love with the... German... team. I cannot believe I'm saying this, but... truth hurts. No, let's face it, they are one of the best teams out there. But, only one team has my heart now - ENGLAND! So, let's get in the mood:

English Much...

For a hundredth time I have watch the England National Football Team play a tough game, and for a hundredth time I am completely repulsed by the support these players are getting. Some truths must be said. It was definately not one of England's best games, nor one of Joe Hart's or Wayne Rooney's best performances, but everyone happens to have a shitty day.

Now to get back to the real topic of this post. What does it mean to be a fan of something? To be a supporter? For me, it means complete devotion to your fandom. I am happy when my team wins, I am disappointed when my team finishes with a draw, I am angry when my team loses. But MY team always remains MY team. Learn it, live it, love it. That's it.

Unfortunately for me, my favorite team is one that I am technically not allowed to support. I am from Bulgaria, I am supposed to love my National Team, but I just cannot. I love the English Team. I know the players and what they are capable of, I have seen some beautiful wins, some of them against "my" Bulgarian Team, yet I still support them. But today, I realized why the English Team will never win any competition.

Actually, scratch that. I'm no longer talking about football. I'm talking about fandom, in it's whole substance. Fandom and supporters. Shitty fandom and supporters. Or should I say fandom and shitty supporters. No matter what it is - football, volleyball, basketball, baseball, whateverball...

Let me tell you a quick and pointless story. I'm sitting there, watching my game, England has a tough game and it ends with a draw. I am happy, because I know that it doesn't matter. England has qualified for the Euro 2012, with no matches lost at all and a superb goal difference of +12 scores. Check out the tables, they are the best in the group.

So I am happy, only very slightly disappointed by the game of the players, but it really didn't matter at that point. I turn off the TV, go to my room and for some unknown to me reason decide to write a comment on England National's Facebook page, something I almost never do, because I don't really use Facebook that much.

I open the page and what I saw threw me in rage. English people, so-called "supporters" are just dissing their team. "Rooney sucked." "The goals were Joe Hart's fault." "They should just cancel England now to save us the embarrassment." Wait... WHAT? Your fucking team just qualified for the Euro Cup 2012!!! Yes, the same competition in which, for the moment, only Holland, Italy, Germany, Spain, and England are completely sure to play!!!

How do you, you stupid English people (obviously I'm not dissing all 51 million of you, just specifically picked few), expect your team to have the SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS to perform well? If you're told every day that you suck will YOU be able to play? I don't know, just all these things annoy the shit out of me.

Yeah, it annoyed me, the same way the English fans booed their own team after a draw with Algeria in the World Cup 2012 Group Matches. Rooney said: "Yeah, it's nice to hear your own fans boo you. That's what loyal support is." And he is right. I saw the same support here, in Bulgaria, when they played aganist our National Team. I saw the loyal support. I saw it in all 400 fans that came to watch their team play.

I felt so happy that England was winning that I even started cheering for them. Risking my own life, since I was in the Buglarian Sector. With 30 000 angry Buglarian fans. Yet, I STILL supported my team. Yes, I said it. MY TEAM! I don't care if I'm not English. I know that Joe Hart, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Theo Walcott, and all the other players are one of the best in their fields. I know that they deserve more.

So, please, if you are a fan of something or someone, love them, support them, and be there to cheer for them. Because I know they need it. Because the fans are what makes them move. Many of you might say: "Yeah, right, but they totally do it only for the money." And it may be so. But let me ask you one thing. Do you think that their salaries are raised when they lose?

So, as a last sentence, I'll simply say CONGRATULATIONS, ENGLAND. I know you can win. You deserve to be here and you deserve to claim the Cup as yours this year. Shout for England.

Life Changes...

Warning: I'm too pissed off to stop writing now, so BEWARE - LONG RANT AHEAD!

Amelie. I know that people use this phrase so often that it has literally lost its meaning, but I'll say it anyway... This movie changed my life. It's so simple, so beautiful, and so capturing that I can watch it again and again. And it makes me want to believe in something. In something real or imaginary, something certain or unproven, something logical or magical, something existing or impossible. Something. I want to believe in creativity. I want to believe in uniqueness. I want to believe in goodness. I want to believe in love. I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe in angels. I want to believe in happiness. I just want to believe. And I do. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't. Sometimes it all makes sense, and the very next moment things just seem so complicated, and tiring, and illogical. Some people say I'm too much of a dreamer, too much of an optimist, and that life will only bring me pain and disappointment. It may be so. But my dreams make me happy. All the silly things I want and imagine make me happy. All the little things that I secretly enjoy bring me happiness. And in the sweet intoxication of this happiness, I dream. I dream about all things, and everything seems possible. Like Amelie, I dream about love, miracles, magic. And like her, I believe that they are all possible if you take your fate in your own hands. Maybe the Law of Attraction really exists, and maybe it doesn't. As Blaise Pascal said: "I rather live as if God exists even if He doesn't than live as if He doesn't exist to find out He does." This is the very reason why I don't like watching drama movies. There is enough pain already in my life and around me. Everywhere you look in this world, there is pain and suffering and sadness. Why would I want to watch the same thing for entertainment? I think it's sadistic and sick. I know it exists, I don't need to be reminded of it every second of my life. I've had some of it myself, and I think I'll pass on the next round, thanks. I rather watch the thing that is missing in our modern, little world. I want to watch cheesy, happy-ending, cliche-filled love. I want to see miracles happening to people. I want to remember what magic was. This is E-N-T-E-R-T-A-I-N-M-E-N-T for me. After all, I'm just a kid that has watched too much Disney movies. Maybe I am too much of a dreamer. Maybe I will suffer more as life goes on. Maybe I have unrealistic dreams. But I am happy now. And I know I can be happy later. So what is your problem with that?

"Still, true love does exist."

"These are hard times for dreamers."

"The fool looks at the finger that points at the sky."

"We pass the time of day to forget how time passes."

"It's called a reality check - the last thing she wants."

"You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her?"

Thank You...

I just want to take a second and thank everyone who is reading my blog. I want to thank my readers from Bulgaria, the United States, Russia, India, Canada, Germany, Spain, Hungary, and Singapore. Thank you for taking the time to read my silly thoughts and feel my changing moods. This one is for you:

Song of the day: System Of A Down - Aerials (Personal favorite).



Life is a waterfall,
We're one in the river,
And one again after the fall.

Swimming through the void
We hear the word,
We lose ourselves,
But we find it all...

Cause we are the ones that want to play,
Always want to go,
But you never want to stay.

And we are the ones that want to choose,
Always want to play,
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky,
When you lose small mind,
You free your life.

Aerials, so up high,
When you free your eyes,
Eternal prize

Boy's Life...

"You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Almost everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the past, the present and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.

After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

That’s what I believe.

The truth of life is that every year we get farther away from the essence that is born within us. We get shouldered with burdens, some of them good, some of them not so good. Things happen to us. Loved ones die. People get in wrecks and get crippled. People lose their way, for one reason or another. It’s not hard to do, in this world of crazy mazes. Life itself does its best to take that memory of magic away from us. You don’t know it’s happening until one day you feel you’ve lost something but you’re not sure what it is. It’s like smiling at a pretty girl and she calls you “sir.” It just happens.

These memories of who I was and where I lived are important to me. They make up a large part of who I’m going to be when my journey winds down. I need the memory of magic if I am ever going to conjure magic again. I need to know and remember, and I want to tell you."

Robert R. McCammon

As a background to this post, I chose a piece of music that is almost too gentle and touching. This is the true magic of today - beautiful music. It may not have any lyrics, but it sure as hell doesn't need any. This is pure emotion. The poem in the clip is also amazing. So, I hope you enjoy this passage and poem while you listen to the genious Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber.

I'm Permanent...

Song of the day: David Cook - Permanent.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you, I won't go away today

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand
And all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent

I know he's living in hell every single day and so I ask
Oh, God, is there some way for me to take his place
And when they say, it's all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away, but still you say

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand
And all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent

Facebook Tag...

I was tagged in this silly "Music Shuffle" Facebook game, but I'm not posting it there.

I thought it would be more fun if I post it here. So, let's see what the iTunes destiny has for me.

1. If someone says "Are you OK?" you say?
Prison Break Anthem (Kaye Styles). What?

2. How would you describe youself?
Knocking On Heaven's Door (Bob Dylan). True.

3. What do you like in a guy?
Call Me (Shinedown). Nice.

4. How do you feel today?
Carnival Of Rust (Poets Of The Fall). Wow, spot on!

5. What is your life's purpose?
Je T'aime (Lara Fabian). Well, yes.

6. What is your motto?
Unforgiven (Joe Cocker). If you mean the lyrics, kind of.

7. What do your friends think of you?
Poison (Alice Cooper). If you mean the lyrics - thank you. If not... You're dead.

8. What do your parents think of you?
The Pure And The Tainted (Blue Stahli). Divorced parents - makes sense.

9. What do you think about very often?
Cherry Pie (Warrant). Oh, God, creepy. This is true in three directions. First, I love cherry pie. Second, I love Supernatural (where I heard the song). Third, I love Jensen Ackles (the song was playing in one of his scenes). And I do think mostly about these things... Creepy.

10. What is 2 + 2?
Hell's Bells (AC/DC). True - Maths are Hell.

11. What do you think of your best friend?
Enter Sandman (Metallica). No sense here.

12. What is your life story?
Space Bound (Eminem). I don't know.

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
With Eyes Wide Shut (Bless The Fall). Weird.

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
Burning Down The House (The Used). Depends on how we burn it.

15. What will you dance to at your wedding?
O, Death (Jen Titus). God, this is creepy. I'll truly die, if I get married!!!

16. What is your hobby or interest?
Permanent (David Cook). No sense here, too.

17. What is your biggest fear?
This Is War (30 Seconds To Mars). True, I truly despise war.

18. What is your biggest secret?
Life On The Moon (David Cook). I TOLD YOU, I COME FROM THE MOON!

19. What do you want right now?
Cinema (Skrillex). True, I want to go to the cinema.

20. What do you think of your friends?
Kids (Sleigh Bells). Sick! This is so true!!!

OK, this was interesting... Wow, I feel weird now. I hate when my iTunes knows me that well.

Science Killed Magic...

Sonnet - to Science by Edgar Allan Poe

Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise,
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
Albeit he scared with an undaunted wing?
hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

Song of the mood: From a Shell by Lisa Germano.

Something Personal...

She stares blankly at the empty mirror.
Eyes are searching for the fading light.
Diamond stars burn her skin like tears.
Wind is whispering to put up a fight.

But hear the thunder, gone, now distant.
Feel the last raindrops trickle on her face.
Smell the blooming roses, so insistent.
Their petals open in her smooth embrace.

Darkness clinking like shattered glass.
Rays of light gently caress her black hair.
Dew drops coat her lips like sugar dust.
To taste this freedom is now her flair.

Take deep breaths, smell the Southern wind.
Greet its tender kiss, let it crash the chains.
Her skin tingles as if the touch of spicy mint.
The mirror fades away, it can leave no stains.

And the beautiful piece that inspired this: Eternity and a Day by Paul Haslinger.

The Death of Letters...

Why did people stop writing letters? Letters are such a beautiful, meaningful thing. You cannot compare a letter with an e-mail. Every single detail of the letter can be used to transfer emotion. An e-mail cannot do that. Computers don't have emotions, don't have souls. Imagine you receive a letter. The envelope is made from vintage, thick paper, a little rough to the touch, but still carrying the romantic spirit of the past. You can touch it, you can smell it, you can feel it. And what can you do with an e-mail? See it. And that's it. Ridiculous. When I was little and still wasn't aware that such things as computers could do stuff like that, I always wished to receive a love letter. A beautiful love letter, in a artsy envelope with a beautiful old-fashioned stamp, from the older collections. And the address in my dreams was always Paris. It always came from Paris. When I found these pictures, all of these thoughts just streamed into my head.
Let us all keep a moment of silence to another beauty lost to our "modern" world.

It won't be my post, if it doesn't have a music background, so let us jump once again in the nostalgic mood with Poets of the Fall.

Carnival of Rust

My all-time favorite song: Carnival of Rust by Poets of the Fall.


Do you breathe the name of your saviour in your hour of need
And taste the blame, if the flavor should remind you of greed
Of implication, insinuation, and ill will, till' you cannot lie still
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill

Come feed the rain
'Cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'Cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust

It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before

Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away, oh, when the heart is yearning

As many of my friends know, I wouldn't be myself if I do not post this song. It was love at first sound for me, and I can say that it is the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard. Beautiful music, amazing lyrics, and perfect voice, this song is utter perfection. So, yeah, this is just my quick shout-out to these wonderful musicians. I am officially in love with the song.

Ten Years Ago...

Ten years later, one question remains... Why?

Song of the day: Tell Me, Why - Will Smith.

I really wish I could explain it, baby

It's just the world is kinda crazy, baby
Ain't no pretty way to paint it, baby
Don't cry, dry your eyes

September 11th, I woke up about 7am, west coast time, French toast and my
Turkey bacon, taking my time, awakin', turning my TV on
To my surprise, saw what everybody in the world saw
Me and my children, images were chillin'
My son said, "Daddy were there people in that building?"
A cold sweat, frozen with a lump in my chest
I heard his question, couldn't bring my lips to say "Yes" to him
That night at my son's side, he cried and prayed
For the ones who died in the World Trade
His palms to God, seeds and qualms with God
He just kept on pressin' me, wanna know why
Then, one week later our bombs were dropped
We seein' them on CNN, they just won't stop
The infrared images of brutal attack
He said, "Daddy now we killin' em back, right?" Right

Souls are captured
Dreams are stolen, hearts are broken
Evil blatantly rewarded
Hate surrenders, love exalted
Hope elated, negativity is shorted

Why is the bomb always getting the last word
And why did her uncle have to molest her
And why did all them cops have to be shootin' to kill
And why did all them priests have to act so ill
Tell me, why did James Byrd Jr. have to be touched
Tell me, why did Malcolm and Martin departed from us
Tell me, why did that sniper make the little boy shoot
And why does human life is always denied for loot
Tell me why did Mandela have to live in a cage
Why did my brother Sterling have to die at that age
Tell me, why did Reginald Denny deserve his fate
And why the fuck can't love seem to defeat hate
Tell me, why is it so hard for all the children to eat
Why did Pac and Biggie Smalls have to fall in the street
Tell me why did Jam Master Jay have to go that way
Please what am I supposed to say to my kids when they say 'Why?'

Can't explain it baby, life is just really crazy
I mean if it's world wars or the life of a little baby
We got more stores than they got rice under Buddha lazy
You live four scores and still it be driving you crazy
But for me I try to see the bright side
Sometimes it'd be like the goodness be tryin' to hide
Then try to flee, but it can't it's deep inside
Sweetie, you be the light for the others, make 'em believe in God

I Heart Joe Hart...

Joe Hart practicing before the game. The guy has some skills... and some hardcore sex appeal. Is it just me, or does his whole person just scream: "I want to be on top!" Oh, man, my fucked up mind starts with the perversions already, and it's only... 1:30 a.m. JoJo, Kamy, KiKi, where are you when I need to talk dirty?

I'm too overwhelmed with excitement to stop myself from posting more stuff about the game.

And I just found this picture. Manchester United's Wayne Rooney and Manchester City's Joe Hart having fun together at Barbados. It's so cute, but I don't really know whether I should laugh or feel horny.

A Sneak Peek...

Song of the day: Най-щастливият човек - Графа.

Joe Hart (my ULTIMATE football crush - not only he is handsome, blond, tall and fit, but he is also one of the best goalkeepers out there, just pointing it out), Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Ashley Young, Frank Lampard, Jermaine Defoe... It was an honor watching them play today. Beautiful goals, I must confess, even though I am bulgarian, English football is just a weakness that I have. Bulgaria - England Euro 2012 qualifier - 3 goals for England, none for Bulgaria. Amazing night, I am just speechless. Who knew that something like that can make me the happiest I have ever been. My camera is full, my mind is full, my heart is full. I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams, England!!! They sure will be sweet for me!

P.S. England takes another virginity of mine. My very first trip outside Bulgaria was to London, when I was seven years old. More than eleven years ago. Now, the first soccer game I went to was of England. I'm starting to think that destiny is trying to tell me something... :D